


This is What It Sounds Like When Love Dies

by Marion_INM



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Other, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 05:12:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marion_INM/pseuds/Marion_INM
Summary: I keep hoping that another viewing of 1x13 won’t provoke the same level of anger, disbelief, and anguish for Alex as seeing it the first time did. My hopes keep being dashed. So, I’m unleashing this rageathon coda from Alex’s POV.I don’t own the characters or any of the dialogue you recognize.Abject apologies to Prince for the title.





	This is What It Sounds Like When Love Dies

**Michael**

After looking at his watch for the umpteenth time and checking his phone in case he’d missed a message, Alex finally gets into his truck and drives away from Michael’s Airstream. His anger at being stood up is tempered by a fear that something has happened to Michael or to one of the Evanses. Liz hasn’t responded to an earlier “just checking in” text, and Kyle should be working so he hasn’t contacted him.

He figures that even though Maria hasn’t been read into the alien picture, she generally hears most of the town gossip, so he heads to the Wild Pony muttering to himself, “Unless you’re dead or hurt, Guerin, I’m going to kill you.”

The Pony is doing a brisk lunch trade, and Alex is surprised not to see Maria directing things from behind the bar. Before he can snag the bartender’s attention to ask about her, Alex hears Maria’s infectious giggle and turns to see her emerging from the hall that leads to the back room. She’s smiling up at someone behind her, someone who dips his head to plant a kiss on her smiling lips. That someone is Michael Guerin.

Alex feels the blood drain from his face and roil in the pit of his stomach. He’s frozen in place, trying to make his brain process this impossible situation: There is no way the love of his life just kissed his best friend.

Then Michael straightens and his eyes meet Alex’s stunned gaze. When Michael immediately looks down and away, Alex’s worst fear is confirmed. The blood surges back into his face, and he can’t tell if the tears that cloud his vision are caused by rage or heartbreak. All he knows is that he has to get out of there before he loses it. He pivots on his good leg even as he hears Maria gasp and Michael call his name.

He’s through the door and outside before he feels Michael grab his arm.

“Do _not_ touch me,” Alex orders icily.

Michael lets go instantly, saying, “Alex, we need to talk.”

Alex turns to face him. He can’t stop the tears running down his face, but he takes some comfort from the fact that they’re tears of rage.

“ _Now_ we need to talk?” Alex bites out. “What about this morning, Michael? What about you telling me to meet you at the Airstream, Michael? What about me waiting there for hours, not knowing if you were alive or dead, Michael? You’re ready to talk now, after you stood me up to – just an educated guess here – fuck my best friend? What can you possibly say that you think I have any interest in hearing, Michael?” In a remote corner of his brain, Alex notices that he’d used Michael’s first name more in that rant than he has in all the time he’s been back in town. In his heart, Michael’s name is Guerin.

“Alex, I’m sorry! I just – I’m on overload here with everything that’s going on! I didn’t know what to do!”

“Well, I can tell you what you shouldn’t have done, Michael: You shouldn’t have gone radio silent while you hooked up with my best friend.”

“Alex, I know I should have talked to you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you; I just didn’t think.” Alex recognizes his attempt at a self-deprecating grin, “You know me: act first, think later.”

Alex considers him somberly, “No, I don’t think I do. Leaving me hanging while you screw Maria, Michael? Other than leaving the planet, I can’t imagine how you could have hurt me more.” Alex’s voice breaks as a fresh onslaught of tears nearly chokes him. He takes a shallow breath and says quietly, “I’m sorry I can’t scream, or break things, or give you pyrotechnics to really make it feel over, but, trust me, Michael, we’re done.”

“I thought you were tired of walking away,” Michael sneers.

Alex gasps as he feels the words like a punch in the gut, and his tears dry up instantly. “And you said you never look away. But you’re looking away now, aren’t you, Michael?”

Alex continues softly, “Look, I know I’ve hurt you – hurt us – and that I’m mostly to blame for making us so fucking complicated. But standing by while you do whatever you’re doing with Maria? I can’t … even for you, I can’t, Michael. I can’t be the self-loathing person who could accept that kind of treatment. So, I am going to walk away this one last time. Goodbye, Guerin.”

Alex is surprised and relieved to realize that the swirling chaos of emotional overload has backed off, leaving him feeling completely hollowed out. He makes it to his truck, through a stop to buy liquor, and all the way to the cabin without shedding another tear. At home, he drinks himself into a painfully long crying jag that leaves him with a monstrous headache and the conviction that he’ll never be happy again.

 

 

**Maria**

Alex steels himself when he pulls in and sees Maria’s car in his driveway and her sitting on his porch. He’d known this confrontation was coming – he’d ignored numerous calls and texts from her in the past few days – but he hasn’t devised a strategy for dealing with the death of his oldest friendship.

In some ways, losing Maria is even harder than losing Guerin. Maria and Liz have been fixtures in his life since kindergarten. The three of them grew up gathering at the Crashdown to do homework while snacking on fries and milkshakes and begging Mimi to take them to the drive-in Friday nights every summer. They’d shared hopes and dreams, triumphs and failures, loves and losses. Maria is the first person he’d come out to, and her unwavering love and support had sustained him through his father’s beatings and his brothers’ constant bullying. And, now, she’s a cause of the biggest trauma of his life.

Alex is a master of compartmentalization, but days of pushing himself through his fog of misery to help tie up loose ends at Project Shepherd and do an initial scan of the rescued drives from Caulfield has left Alex wrung out, sleep deprived, and physically and emotionally exhausted. He briefly considers telling Maria to leave before she can enact whatever drama she has in mind, but he decides to just get it over with.

He walks around his truck to grab the bags of groceries and acknowledges her with a curt, “Maria” as he stops in front of the cabin door. He sets one bag on the chair she’d vacated and unlocks the door.

“Is there more to carry in?” Maria asks, “Can I help?”

“No, I’ve got it. I need to get things in the fridge.”

“So, do you mind if I come in?”

Alex badly wants to say yes but nods toward the living room and repeats, “Let me put things away. I’ll be with you shortly.”

He quickly stows the perishables and leaves the rest for later. He takes a breath in an effort to calm himself and walks back into the living room.

Maria turns to him with a nervous smile, “This place is kind of perfect for you, isn’t it? Simple and homey; it suits you.”

“I didn’t invite you over to check out my place, Maria. In fact, I didn’t invite you at all. What do you want?”

“Alex, so rude!” Maria’s attempt at a teasing smile fades in the face of Alex’s stony expression. “I – I came to talk. I want to explain, and I need to apologize.“

“I really don’t want to hear your explanation, Maria, and there’s no apology in the world that covers what you did.”

“I know, but, Alex, I’m so sorry,” she says as she reaches out to touch his arm.

He flinches away from her with a violence that surprises them both. He has the fleeting thought that he really should have put her off until he was better prepared  - or at least better rested. He can’t catch a breath and heads for the door mumbling, “I can’t – I have to get some air.”

On the porch, he throws up a hand to keep her silent and keeps his back to her as he struggles for some kind of equilibrium. He reflects that possibly the most useful training he got from the Air Force is the tools that help mitigate his PTSD. He pulls air into his lungs and holds it for four beats, exhaling for eight beats. He repeats the sequence twice more, takes a final deep breath, and turns to face Maria to say, “Please say what you have to say then leave.”

Maria’s breath hitches and her eyes swim with tears as she says, “I’m sorry, Alex. I can’t explain what I did. I can’t excuse it. I thought you two were over!

“Guerin and I have had this low-key connection that started ramping up recently … I didn’t know it would hurt you this badly.”

“Really?” Alex scoffs. “You want me to believe that the great psychic Maria DeLuca didn’t know I’d be hurt? The trouble is that you did know, Maria, and that’s what’s killing me. You knew that Michael is Museum Guy. You knew that I was in love with him.”

Alex’s anger suddenly burns out, and he continues quietly, “You sure as hell knew that you were my best friend. You had to know that it would break my heart if my best friend hooked up with the love of my life, and you hooked up anyway.”

“Alex! I know what I did was shitty, but I never meant to hurt you.”

Alex’s smile is a bitter twist of his mouth. “Michael said the same thing, but I can’t imagine how you could have hurt me more.

“Last I knew, you told me that sex with Michael was just a drunk, dusty, no-good Texas rounder that didn’t mean anything. Today … well, today, your having sex with Michael means everything. You destroyed our friendship, Maria; you chose Michael over me.

“The hardest part is realizing that I really don’t matter to either of you.”

Alex stops abruptly, then admits, “I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Can you go now, Maria? Can you please go and never come back?”

“Alex!” Maria cries with tears running down her cheeks. “Of course you matter! I love y–“

“Stop,” Alex orders with all the authority at his command. “You don’t get to claim that you love me after what you did to me. You don’t do what you did to someone you love.

“I’m going inside now. Take your time leaving, but you need to go.”

Alex waits for Maria to step back so that he can get to the door without touching her. She is openly sobbing, and Alex is faintly surprised that her distress sparks no desire to comfort her. He knows that he’ll be sobbing soon himself, and there will be no one to comfort him.


End file.
